Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith