[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My dating profile:
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
describing stardew valley
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.