When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Unimpressed
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.