“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae