Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
👾👾👾
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other