Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Noted.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.