I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*