From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
i love modern commerce
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.