When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.