yeah 😭
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
that de-escalated quickly
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.