The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that