Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman