Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
getting groceries
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.