2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Me irl
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks