[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…