Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Nothing to do, you say?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes