British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
yall want some gasoline milk
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.