[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right