Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
this isn’t threatening at all
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason