My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.