*Inspirational Tweets*
You Might Also Like
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Rambo Rambow
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding