Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.