The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
✌🏽
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.