The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
So we got a goldfish…