(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
You Might Also Like
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
The USS B port
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.