I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me