[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
You Might Also Like
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The Birdles
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.