I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*weighs self after shaving
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
What about second breakfast?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please