Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.