He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Breaking news:
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Y’all know who you are.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes: