[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
(Electricians.)
Admin smashed it 😂
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You are not alone 💚
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started