Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.