It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
This anagram machine is out of order.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now