*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended