it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
You Might Also Like
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.