her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.