(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
You Might Also Like
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.