FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
selfie game
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁