All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.