i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.