I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You Might Also Like
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar