WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If only.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it