Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition