The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
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Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.