Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
You Might Also Like
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I love twitter
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.