I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.