Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
New favorite tiktok
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!