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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh