Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies