12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”